Top Tips for parents who are separated

There has been a sharp increase in parents struggling to make arrangements for their children post-separation.  Unfortunately, this has now been exacerbated by the pandemic.   At Kay & Pascoe, our ethos is to achieve the best outcome for the family.

Separating is never easy but a lot of the time parents are trying so hard to do their best for the child or children that they forget to listen to them.  We therefore thought you might find it useful to hear from the Family Justice Young People’s Board to hear directly from children and young people with experience of family law proceedings.  They have put together some of their “top tips” for parents to help them think about matters from their child’s perspective.  This makes interesting reading and it may help you to understand better how the voice of your child is important.

1. I have the right to spend time with both of my parents provided it is safe for me.
2. I can have a relationship with the partner of my other parent without this altering my love for you.
3. Speak to my other parent nicely, it helps me.
4. Keep my other parent in the loop regarding my needs and what is happening with me. I may need their help as well as yours.
5. Please don’t say bad things about my other parent, especially if I can hear. Remember, I can often overhear more than you think and sometimes I may see your social media comments.
6. Remember it is okay for me to love and have a relationship with my other parent. This does not change my love for you.
7. Don’t make me feel guilty about spending time with my other parent.
8. Don’t make permanent decisions about my life based on how you feel at the moment. Think about how I feel now and how I might feel in the future.  My wishes might change.
9. Be open to change. Be flexible to compromise when agreeing arrangements for me.
10. I am okay that my parents don’t do things exactly the same. My parents are both different and that is okay with me.
11. Don’t be possessive over me and the things that belong to me. Make it easy for me to take things I need when I spend time with my other parent.   Let me choose what I want to take with me.
12. Keep me informed about changes to arrangements regarding me.
13. Try not to feel hurt or resentment if I choose to spend time with my friends instead of seeing you. I am growing up.
14. Remember that important dates such as birthdays and sports day are special to you, me and my other parent. I may want to share my time on those dates with each of you.
15. Work out between you and my other parent who is responsible for the extra things I need, such as new school shoes, school trips, dinner money or after school activities. I do not want to be involved in this.
16. Remember that I don’t expect you or my other parent to be perfect, so I don’t want you to expect my other parent to be perfect either. Accept mistakes and move on.
17. Make sure I am not left out of key family events, such as grandparents’ birthdays or weddings. Please compromise with my other parent so I can join in with these events.
18. Please don’t stop me having contact with my extended family members who are important to me. Ask me how I feel about them, don’t assume that my feelings are the same as yours.
19. Don’t use me as a messenger between you and my other parent.
20. Don’t use my relationship with my other parent against me, or them.
21. Don’t ask me to lie to my other parent or family members.
22. Don’t ask me to lie to professionals, or to say what you want me to say.
23. Don’t make me scared to say what I think about my arrangements for fear of being told off or treated badly by you if you don’t agree.
24. Remember that I may want something different to my siblings. We are all different.
25. Don’t worry about how others see you or what they think. I am what matters.

If you are having any difficulties with making arrangements between your former partner for your child or children, contact Kay & Pascoe on 01435 817060 or 01892 664348 to discuss how we may be able to help you and provide you with a family focused solution.

Tara Sanger

Solicitor and Collaborative Lawyer